Lonely at first. Undeniably. A deep aching melancholy from the pit of your stomach all the way to your frontal lobe. You will sit and contemplate how unfair it is that you were the one who had to go instead of your family member who terrorized you oh so often. You’ll imagine what your mother is doing several hours away. You call her one time to describe in detail the hellish ordeal which is now a humorous story about getting locked out, waiting in the stairwell at your friend’s neighboring apartment complex until she comes back from her dinner date with her boyfriend, sleeping over at their place while your dead phone charges (never thought my stupid little apple watch would ever come in handy and yet..) and having to call a locksmith the next morning. You realize by the noise in the background that she’s at a party. You sigh internally. “Well, it’s good that happened right? Now you know for next time.” Yeah. Now I know for next time. The phone hangs up. You cry some more. Then you pop some microwave popcorn, doomscroll Twitter, smoke some more weed (probably too much), play some music, and watch your favorite adult animated show that you started watching in 8th grade that still shamelessly cracks you up. You sleep. At odd hours. Your head hurts often. It’s like a drill pounding inside there constantly. Nonstop pressure. You read an article about Rihanna speaking about her father’s abusive behavior towards her and her mother. She complained about severe headaches. You recall another article you read about abuse survivors reporting bad headaches often. It’s a mind-numbingly dull ache. I wish I could stop thinking about all of this. If I had a magic wand or a gigantic brain eraser I would use it to scrub out all the unsavory parts of life. All the pain, the disappointment, the heartache, the death, the terror, the shame, all the loneliness everything. I want to physically open my cranium remove the hunk of meat that is my brain and drop it somewhere else. If I was a terrible stand-up comedienne of Amy Schumerlike proportions I’d say a terrible joke as I dropped the pink fleshy hunk of meat into the trash like “Ha ha that’s enough brain for one day!!!” Plasticky sitcom canned laughter, the Netflix audience laughs and laughs. Thank you thank you I’ll be here all week don’t forget to tip your waitresses! The move is only temporary unfortunately because you only have enough money saved to pay rent till the end of summer but still you smile every time you go to sleep. It’s silent for once. Revel in it. Drink it in. You’re safe for now.
